Saturday, April 12, 2014

Chapter Forty Nine: Sitting in a tree, W-O-O-H-O-O

Alessi: I'm just saying, I don't see why I can't just pop out the babies and then put them up for adoption!
Because that isn't the challenge!
Alessi: I don't care about the challenge! Erik is driving me crazy!
Oh come on! He's adorable!
Alessi: He won't stop crying! I mean seriously!

Erik: Mama! Mama I'm huuuungwy!
Alessi: You see?!
You could always, oh, I don't know, FEED HIM!
Alessi: Won't make a difference! Watch!

Erik: Mama! Mama, I wanna milky! I WANNA MILKY!
Alessi: Okay, okay! Here I am, Erik! I'm going to get you something to eat now!
Erik: I wanna milky, Mama! I wanna milky NOW!

Erik: Mmmm...
See, Alessi? All better now!
Alessi: Wait for it...

Alessi: See? SEE?! He is such a nasty little thing!
He's starved for attention. You don't love him enough!
Alessi: Since when is that my job?!
You're his MOTHER!
Alessi: Ugh! Don't you start yelling at me too!
Sorry. But look, if it makes you feel any better, I can hook you up with some woohoo!
Alrighty then! Grab your things, and your kid! We're going to the park!

Alessi: Voice, what is this wheely child holding device?
Oh, that's called a stroller!
Alessi: Fascinating.

Alessi: So where am I going, exactly?
Dustin: Hey! Lady! Get the hell out of the field! We're in the middle of a game!
Alessi: Up yours, you winged freak of nature!

Erik: Mama! Mama! I wanna go home!
Alessi: Shhh! I don't want to heat you crying anymore!
Erik: But Mama! I don't like the park! Nature is icky!

Cycl0n3: Hey Alessi! Get out of the way!
Stiles: Yeah! We're trying to play!
Alessi: Shut up! I'm on the prowl!
Cycl0n3: For what? Another sperm donor? How many kids do you have now, Alessi?
Alessi: None of your business, nerd!
Cycl0n3: I just want to know how many siblings my DAUGHTER has!
Just ignore him, Alessi. The new guy is right over there.
Alessi: Huh! See you later, haters! I'm going to go get some action!

Alessi: So where is he?
Right there! In the flowers!
Alessi: That guy? The.... The PINK guy?!
Yup! That right there is Roman Mullen.
Alessi: Oh, Voice! A PINK GUY! Will he give me pink babies?!

Alessi: Hi there, pinky pie! I'm Alessi!
Roman: Hi, Alessi! I'm Roman! *grins* And who's this little guy?
Alessi: Oh, this is my son, Erik! Say hi, Erik!
Erik: I wanna go home!
Alessi: Oh Erik!*laughs* Aint he a doll?
Roman: He's cute! But not as cute as you!

Alessi: You're not too bad yourself, Roman. Pink in a very good color on you.
Roman: Why thank you.
Alessi: And I'm sure that it will be a very good color in me. Why don't you and I...
Erik: Mama! His bweath smell bad!

Alessi: Hey, why don't you wait down here till Mommy's all done?
Erik: No Mama! The ground is icky!
Didn't you learn anything from Casper?!
Alessi: Who's Casper?
Your son! You left him on a porch while you were hooking up with Darshan and scarred him for life!
Alessi: Oh! I remember Darshan! He was fun.
Roman: What are you talking about?
Alessi: Nothing, just trying to calm my kid down!

Alessi: Soooo like I was saying... Why don't we head back to my place and make some magic, if you know what I mean.
Roman: What, is that some kind of innuendo for sex?
Alessi: Well, duh, of course it is!
Roman: Okay! I haven't done anything freaky in a while!
Alessi: Oh, you into deviant stuff? Well I can definitely help you out with that!
Ugh! Ew! *gags*
Alessi: Shut up!
Roman: What? I didn't say anything!
Alessi: Oh, but you are having doubts, I can feel it! I'm just telling your doubts to stop talking and let things happen.
Roman: Wow, you are so appealing. I would love to do things with you.
Alessi: Well, come along Mister Pink, and I shall show you all the world has to offer!

Alessi tossed Erik into the backseat and drove Roman to her house

Hey, Alessi? You know you can't do anything TOO sketchy with Roman, right?
Alessi: Oh, shut the hell up, Voice! I will punch you out!
It's just that this whole thing has been iffy for quite a while, and I wouldn't want to push it anymore into inappropriate territory. 
Alessi: Well, I promised him something deviant! How am I supposed to keep his attention if I can't do anything freaky?!
Well, you don't need something freaky. Maybe just something weird.
Alessi: What do you suggest?

Alessi: What is that?!
A tree house!
Alessi: A house in a tree? That certainly is weird!
Alessi: But the question remains... Can I woohoo in it?
You can indeed!
Alessi: SCORE!

Roman: What's wrong Alessi? Why do you keep talking to yourself?
Alessi: Oh, I just think I might be going crazy...
Roman: Crazy?
Alessi: Yes, your sheer amount of sexiness is making me go insane!
Roman: Oh my *laughs* What should we do?
Alessi: The only cure for my insanity is to go have woohoo in the tree house out back.
Roman: Tree house woohoo? I've never heard of that before.
Alessi: Wanna go give it a shot?
Roman: Of course I do! Let's do it!

Alessi: Wow, this is great!
Roman: Ow! I got a splinter!

While Alessi was busy in the tree house, I had a babysitter come over to take care of Erik
Erik: You a nice wady. You nicer than Mama
Babysitter: Sure, kid. Want to some more milk?
Erik: Yay!

Roman: Thanks, Alessi! That was great! I have to get home now, I forgot it was my dad's birthday!
Alessi: Wait! Stop! I haven't dumped you yet!

Alessi: Am I going to have to go over his house now?
Nah, I'm sure he heard you.

The next morning, I found Alessi heading out with Erik.

Hey Alessi! Where are going?
Alessi: To Don's house. He called me and he said he wanted to meet his kid.
Awww.... That's so nice!
Alessi: Yeah, well, I just want to rant to him some more. It was fun the first time.

Don: Alessi!
Alessi: Hi Don!
Don: Is this my kid?
Alessi: Yup! This is Erik. He's got your eyes and stuff
Don: Well, come on in! I just made some salad.
Alessi: Awesome!

Alessi: You know, ordinarily I'd say you could take Erik for your own, but I'm stuck on to stupid rules and I can't give him up.
Don: Oh, that's alright. I'd make a pretty screwy full time dad, anyways. I just wanted to meet my spawn.

Don: Can I hold him, though? Do you mind?
Alessi: Sure, go right ahead. I going to the bathroom. Help yourself!

Don: Heeey buddy. Do you know who I am?
Erik: Noo.
Don: I'm your daddy!
Erik: Dada?
Don: Yeah, that's right! I'm your daddy!

Don: Oh, look out! Mr. Tickles is coming to get you!
Erik: Wha?
Don: Here he comes! He's going to tickle you!

Don: Oh no! Here he is!
Erik: Heeheeheehee!

Erik: Dada you so silly!
Don: Heh, yeah, I'm silly. Real silly.
Erik: Dada can I wive with you? Pweeaassee?
Don: Oh no, no, buddy, that would never work out. Trust me.

Alessi: Don! Don! Can I talk to you?
Don: Ooh, looks like your mother is calling me! Better go see what's going on.
Erik: No, Dada! NO!
Don: I'll be back, buddy, just wait a minute.
Erik: But dada...

Don: What's up, Alessi?
Alessi: I lost my tree house virginity last night to a super hot pink guy.
Don: Oh, that sounds cool! I've never done it in a tree house before. How is it?
Alessi: It's AMAZING! But I just decided, moments ago while I was peeing, that I need to tell you about WHY I was doing it in a tree house.
Don: ...'Kay

Alessi: I am being forced against my will to have a hundred babies by my creator for her own sick amusement. And I can hear her in my head.

Don: What the...?
Alessi: I know it sounds CRAZY, but it's true!
Don: So that's why you have thirty kids?
Alessi: Yes! Nobody believes that it wasn't my idea to do that!

Alessi: You believe me, Don, don't you?
Don:... Well, I certainly believe that you hear voices, if that's what you mean.... It certainly explains a lot...
Alessi: Yes! Awesome! Somebody I can rant to about Voice's jerkiness!
Oh come on, I'm not so bad!
Alessi: Yes are you stupid voice! I despise you and your ridiculous challenge... Though I do like the guys you send for me. They're pretty cool.
Don: Heh... Well, you wanna ell Voice I said hi?
Alessi: Don says hi!
I know that! I can hear him, you know!
Alessi: So what, you can hear everybody but I'm the only one who can hear you?
Yeah, pretty much.
Alessi: That's not fair!
Don: What did it say?
Alessi: She said that she's a stupid jerk and that she has no friends!
I did not!
Alessi: And she also says that she's a socially starved teenager and that she has no friends.

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